January 3rd, the day I will return to work, is looming. And I'm anything but ready.
My heart breaks just thinking about it, which I try not to do as I want to enjoy these last days at home with my baby. But I do think about it. And people ask me about it constantly, which brings tears to my eyes almost every time.
I've been blessed to have a nice, long, paid maternity leave and I have a wonderful job, colleagues, and students to return to. Yet, my heart feels like a brick at the thought of leaving my son in someone else's care. I'm his mommy! And selfishly, I don't want to miss out on any moments with him.
I never expected to feel this way. Back in March when Brad and I decided that he would return to work on Capitol Hill and I would return to work after the baby was born, I genuinely believed that we had made the right decision for our family. At that time, I couldn't imagine the pregnancy even working out, let alone quitting my job. (Colleagues who read this blog, rest assured that I won't bail on you! I committed to coming back and I will return on January 3rd, even if it's just for the short term to figure out my exit strategy.)
Now that Mason is here, my perspective has changed. The more days I spend with him the greater my longing to stay home with him. But becoming a stay-at-home mom would be a major change for all of us. I abhor change, and it's always been easier for me to stick with what is familiar and comfortable. But now the status quo no longer feels like the easy, or right, choice.
I chide myself for not trusting in the Lord's provision for our family. I know that he will care for us, financially and in every other way. He has shown himself faithful again and again. Yet, why do I still worry and doubt?
I'm struggling, Gentle Readers. Please pray that the Lord makes the path clear for us, and that Brad and I have wisdom in deciding what's best for our family.