Thursday, April 14, 2011

constantly held in check

Right around the time Brad and I found out we were pregnant again, we learned that our friend and his wife had just had their sixth consecutive miscarriage. At hearing this news, I felt guilty for being pregnant, but honestly, I believed we'd soon be following in their footsteps and dealing with another loss.

During my early weeks of pregnancy, I continued to hear of others' losses, sometimes weekly. In my 13th week, I went on a retreat and one of the speakers shared that she'd recently lost a baby during week 13. I sat stoic in the audience, certain her story was a sign that my pregnancy was doomed.

In my 14th week, while I was home on spring break and feeling slightly confident one day, I "treated" myself by watching an episode of A Baby Story on TLC. The couple on that particular episode shared that they had suffered three miscarriages, their most recent one during the 14th week of pregnancy. I gasped, battling the familiar feelings of dread and anxiety rising inside me. When I reached my 15-week milestone two days later, I felt like I had dodged yet another bullet.

One day after I celebrated my 17-week mark, I read a post by a blogger who had just lost her baby . . . you guessed it . . . at 17 weeks.

What's going on here?!

Losses happen. They are real. And they don't just occur during the first trimester. I feel like I've constantly been held in check during this pregnancy, which hasn't been such a bad thing because I'm reminded of the magnificence of the Lord's sovereignty. I am in control of nothing. God knows his children and his plans for them before he creates them in the womb. His plan and timing are perfect, and I believe that no matter what the future holds for us.

So, I tread carefully, continue to take things slowly, and try to trust as best as I can.

4 comments:

Momma Fid said...

Your faith in God is amazing and I love reading your posts!

Emily said...

Praying for you!

Roccie said...

Hm. I think I hate that whole terrifying story. There are constant reminders. Our pregnancies are not in our hands and the same applies to everything we see.

Blinding terror that I am working to manage. I only recently reconnected with God where it isnt jus routine. I am having a hard time getting my head around it. What I wouldnt give for your faith. Well done Dr. B.

Thank you so much for your encouragement lately. It means so much.

Red Stethoscope said...

That's all you can do anyway!